Improving communication to build relationship strength
6 Questions that can help you improve communication with your partner
When I see couples for therapy, they sometimes ask what they can do to maintain their relationship strength and communication when our work is done. I’m not big on worksheets and lots of homework. Instead, I’d rather couples prioritize quality time together.
Relationship strength and resilience are build with consistency over time. So, I recommend scheduling time each week for a relationship check-in. This can be done during date night, or on the weekend after the kids get to bed, or anytime that works for you. Take a few minutes to talk through each of the questions to learn more about how you can love each other better.
How to have a relationship check-in conversation:
Again, schedule a time that is convenient for both of you. Put away phones or other distractions. Face each other and make eye contact. Take time to connect and focus on the strength of your relationship.
Make sure you’re having this conversation at a time when you feel calm, ready to hear from your partner, and ready to share. Allow space for vulnerability. Do not have this conversation if you’re angry and wanting to lash out at your partner.
First, take your own space to find peace so that you can come to the conversation with openness. It’s more helpful and enhances connection if you both intentionally take the time and create a calm space to have this conversation together.
Feel free to print out this post, or write down the questions. I recommend not looking at them on your phone, because other notifications may pop up that become distracting. So, print or write them down if you think you may forget them.
Take turns asking each other each question. When your partner is answering, give them the opportunity to share fully, without interrupting, before you respond. And vice versa. You each deserve the space to talk through your perspectives, needs, and thoughts. So when one of you is talking, the other needs to focus on listening (and not forming a response in their head). Stay present and engaged- these are also qualities in communication that build relationship strength.
Questions to ask your partner to build relationship strength and closeness:
1. What is something that made you feel loved/connected in this past week?
This question is designed to help you and your partner reflect on strengths in your relationship. It helps you to notice positive areas and build on them. If you know that something you did made your partner feel loved, you can do more of that. It opens communication about the ways each of you can love well and communicate care for each other. Let the focus here be solely on the strength in your relationship from the past week.
2. Are there any hurts/resentments/issues that we need to address from this past week?
This part of the conversation can open up the possibility of exploring hurt feelings, and that’s ok. Again, you’ve set aside this time to calmly talk together and strengthen your relationship. So, talk through the times that something went wrong over the past week: how you each handled it, and how you want to change it.
If you’ve done something (whether intentionally or not) that has hurt your partner’s feelings, allow yourself to calmly listen and let them share. Providing the comfort and connection for their feelings to be heard and accepted is a huge part of the healing process, and you can create repair and connection in doing this.
This is not a time to lash out, fight, or attack. If either of you feel that it is becoming angry, you’re allowed to take a time out and discuss it when you both feel ready to again. If you struggle with this question and find yourself getting stuck in conflict, please reach out to a therapist for support!
3. How have you seen our relationship grow over this past week?
This question allows for you and your partner to reflect on relationship strength and growth, and to celebrate the wins together. Maybe there were challenges, but you overcame them together! Talk through what went well about any difficult experiences, and the growth you recognize in yourselves and your relationship.
4. Are there any challenges or stressors we should expect in this next week?
This question helps you both prepare for the week ahead. You can’t predict everything, but you can start the week with open communication, being on the same page about expected stressors and plans. Spend a couple of minutes thinking through what could come up and how you can navigate it together.
5. What is something I can do to make you feel more loved/connected in this next week?
Being proactive in your relationship . What can you each do to love better? How can you both actively care for each other in the midst of daily busy schedules?
6. What is something we can do together in the coming week?
People tend to say that it’s less romantic if it isn’t spontaneous, but I often reflect on how romantic and connecting it can be for the relationship if you both are actively planning and prioritizing each other. So, go ahead and plan the date night. Or if you don’t have time to get out, plan an activity at home together. What is something the two of you can do to enjoy time together, and how are you going to fit it in your schedule? Start your week with a plan, so you both have this to look forward to, especially when you’re feeling stressed throughout the week.
So again, write these questions down if you need, and schedule a consistent time each week for you and your partner to focus on the relationship, improve communication, and build a stronger connection.
Want more support in building a strong and resilient relationship? Consider couples therapy to help you improve your communication.
TL;DR:
Use this list of questions I recommend couples ask each other to tune up their relationship each week!
1. What is something that made you feel loved/connected in this past week?
2. Are there any hurts/resentments/issues that we need to address from this past week?
3. How have you seen our relationship grow over this past week?
4. Are there any challenges or stressors we should expect in this next week?
5. What is something I can do to make you feel more loved/connected in this next week?
6. What is something we can do together in the coming week?